All About Yuuri
by OnceABlueMoon
Summary: In which Yuuri leads a double life á la Clark Kent, the Victor Protection Squad accompanies their charge to Japan, the mascot is not happy and everybody flirts with the cute waiter, but Victor gets the guy. Also, Phichit has a field day. (Family on Ice Part 1)
1. Chapter 1: Yuuri Katsuki's Double Life

**All About Yuuri**

 **Summary:** In which Yuuri leads a double life á la Clark Kent, the Victor Protection Squad accompanies their charge to Japan and everybody flirts with the cute waiter, but Victor gets the guy.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Yuri! On Ice.

 **Chapter 1: Yuuri Katsuki's double life**

Like all bad chains of events, it started on a Monday.

Yuuri was practicing loops when his glasses flew off for the fourth time that week. He scrambled after them, but it was too late- they'd banged against the barrier. Damn it, the frames were loose- he would have to get them fixed.

Phichit took one look at the scene, pursed his lips and snapped a picture. Yuuri's phone vibrated in his pocket.

The Thai's eyes burned a hole through Yuuri's jacket, but he kept his mouth shut.

Yuuri panicked. This wasn't good. Phichit was so done he was dealing with the issue via Instagram, Twitter, or whatever his social media platform of the hour was.

In cold sweat, he pulled his phone out and read the notification.

There it was. The snapshot of his busted glasses with the subscript: _getting my son contact lenses #Phichitchu #KatsukiYuuri #MySon #ListenToMotherCinnamonSon #MotherKnowsBest #INeedToFeedMyHamstersShhhhh!_

''Phichit, no.''

''Phichit, yes.''

''I mean it, I'm not buying contacts.''

* * *

 _Three hours later_

''Where did you find my prescription and how did you convince me to check if it was still accurate?''

''Be silent, my son. Mother will fix this.''

Yuuri buried his head in his hands and retreated into his sweater like a turtle hiding in its shell. It didn't help the raging blush working its way up his throat. ''You are the most embarrassing friend _ever_.''

''Also your only friend next to your kindergarten crush.''

''…You have a point.''

Phichit was proud their relationship had reached the level where Yuuri could admit that without suffering a heart attack out of sheer embarrassment.

 _#Frienshipsgoalzzzzzz_ He hit the send button before turning around. ''How do eye examinations work? I've never been myself so- Woah!''

His phone clattered on the ground.

Yuuri's eyes widened. ''Phichit?! Are you alright?!''

Not bothering to pick up his phone (his baby, his beauty, his… Second best friend but also the love of his life? It was complicated), he stared at Yuuri's unadorned face.

''…Yuuri, you pulled a Clark Kent.''

* * *

''Phichit, put on your skates and _leave the phone off the ice.''_

Phichit gasped and clutched his phone to his chest. ''Ciao Ciao! I knew you were a homewrecker! Yuuri, Ciao Ciao is making me cheat on my bae with the ice! Support your mother!''

Yuuri stopped rummaging through his bag and lifted his head. ''You already convinced me to put the contacts in. You spend the ''mother'' card for today.''

He tried to glare, but he looked like a… no, a kitten was too vicious for sweet Japan-chan.

Didn't he want his parents to stay together?!

Ciao Ciao chuckled. ''If you participate in the next competition without glasses, I doubt anybody will recognize you.''

Oh no.

 _Why_ , Ciao Ciao _,_ _ **why**_ did you have to do that?

Yuuri ducked into his sweater. ''Maybe I'll do that.''

But Phichit wasn't fooled. Yuuri's eyes _gleamed._ This was Yuuri Katsuki when **enabled** _._

And indeed, after a few competitions, no one remembered Yuuri Katsuki once had glasses. When Phichit tweeted a picture of Yuuri sleeping with glasses on, the first comment was: _Isn't it confusing, with two Yuuri Katsuki's around?_

And so, Yuuri's double life began.


	2. Chapter 2: All About Yuuri

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yuuri! On Ice

 **Chapter 2: All About Yuuri**

''This place is _nice_ ,'' Sara's eyes devoured the bathhouse's interior.

Anya frowned. ''You've never been to Japan before?''

''Yu-topia Katsuki's online reviews were great,'' Mila shoved Victor toward the table.

Victor was looking around frantically, ignoring the conversation, but Anya wasn't having it. ''Victor, if you are not going to behave like a gentleman, remember: I have _scissors_ and am _not_ afraid to use them.''

Mila _loved_ that girl.

''Hmm, I wonder what will go first- the hair or the Armani suit.''

Victor was seated before she finished her sentence, watching them warily and covering his hair with his hands. Bodily protecting it, hilarious.

''Georgi was your slave, wasn't he?''

Anya wrinkled her nose and crossed her legs. ''Georgi is the kind of man who needs to be enslaved. Plus, I caught him using my lipstick more than once. He kept picking make-up that clashed with his complexion _and_ his clothing. His body wasn't worth the aggravation.''

''You picked _Georgi_ for his body?'' Victor screeched.

His gay was coming out- Mila snorted. Who was she kidding? Victor's gay had _never_ been in the closet.

She shrugged. ''Anya needs her boy toys.''

Sara groaned and rested her head on her folded arms. '' _I_ need a boy toy.''

''No, you should wise up already and join me on the bi-swing.''

Victor crossed his legs, mirroring Anya, and put his chin on his hand in a move so flamboyant it could have only come from the Nikiforov Clan™ (Rich, bold and queer). ''Is this girl talk?''

Anya patted him on the arm. "This is definitely girl talk. You wouldn't be allowed here if it weren't for the fact you are... How did you phrase it again, Mila?"

"Hella gay."

Sara sighed. "God knows what you would have done if you went here alone."

Anya inclined her head. "Besides, there was no way we would let you face that boy on your own after all those months pining because he didn't call you. You're an embarrassment, but we recognize our duty.''

''…Should I come back later?''

 _Day_ um.

That was some boy!

Large, brown orbs peered at them through half-rimmed blue glasses. His raven hair was messy- he had run his hands through it a few times too many, and though his slumped posture gave away he had a long shift, there was no true slouch involved. The apron tied around his waist confirmed it- he was their waiter.

Beside her, Victor _sighed_. Not a normal sigh, no, it was a _lovesick_ sigh. A: ''I want your body, but give me your soul too, because I would be more than happy to spend the rest of my life with you,'' sigh. A _Yuuri Katsuki_ sigh, until now. Because this clearly wasn't Katsuki, and Victor still sighed like that. Not that Mila blamed him, mind you, because the waiter looked delicious in the ''cuddle and love me forever'' way.

What did they put in the water in Hasetsu?! A hot spring indeed, if this was what their men looked like.

''Um…'' the Cute Waiter blushed at the three women ogling him and the… oh, god. No, Victor. No. Stop that right now. Mila groaned. The infatuated beam did not go away.

There were amusing and there was too-painful-to-watch.

Anyway- Victor could suck it up if the Cute Waiter went for the ladies. He already called dibs on Katsuki's admittedly delectable behind- a boy drama mess Mila was currently involved in because Victor was hopeless and needed the help _badly_. Also, the entertainment value.

''Can I take your order?''

Mila winked. ''I'd like to have a _tall_ glass of water.''

''One… Glass… Of water.'' Cute Waiter wrote on his pad. Mila snickered. His innocence was too sweet.

Sara's turn. ''Hmm…. The katsudon looks good, but I wouldn't mind a _side dish_.''

''I recommend the miso soup to go along with it.''

Sara regarded him with disbelief.

Anya was done. Tapping on the table top with her manicure, her carefully painted mouth curved up. ''Are you on the menu too?'

Damn- she always had a thing for the pushovers.

-Or maybe not so pushover at all.

The man turned beet red and spluttered. Was he having a heart failure?! But when Mila got up to hit him on the back because he was _choking,_ he calmed down. ''Ma'am, would you please point out your selection on the menu? I don't want to offend you, but I believe you might have made a translation mistake.''

 _Unbelievable._

* * *

''Is there an ice rink here?''

Mrs. Katsuki, a plump woman with a welcoming smile, nodded. ''Yes, you'll have to talk to Yuuko if you want practice time. She's over there- the woman with the three children. She won't mind talking business over dinner.''

Victor's cheeks appled. ''Thank you!''

* * *

Yuuko leaned forward, hand shielding her mouth while she pushed a piece of paper into his hand. ''Don't say anything, but my friend- your waiter- likes you and wanted you to have his number.''

Folding his hands around the note, Victor nodded enthusiastically, eyes wide all the while, a blush dusting his cheeks.

Yuuko smiled. If Yuuri wasn't going to do it himself, she would lend a helping hand. Everything for his happiness- this glum business would be over in no time.

* * *

Victor walked into the hallway, stopped, slapped his cheeks and jumped up and down. ''He gave me his phone number- I GOT HIS PHONE NUMBER!''

THE WAITER WAS _SO CUTE_! But wait- was that _cheating_ on Yuuri, even though Yuuri never called?! Ohmigod, that was bad. Now he would have to _choose_ and how in the name of _Yuri's grumpy cat collection_ could he ever do that?

One does not simply choose between the cutest waiter on earth and Yuuri "Hotter-than-the-sun-and-better-buns" Katsuki!

The guests passing by looked strangely at the tall Russian talking to himself and _squealing_ in what appeared to be his mother language.

Honestly, the youth of today.

* * *

Meanwhile, Yuuri sneezed.

* * *

Mila caught Sara poking at her food with a chopstick, peering at the greens- oh god, that girl was going to be the _death_ of her.

Anya had gone to the restroom and Victor was sprawled over the bar, flirting with the waiter. Mila grinned and began to tweet.

 _ **MilaBabicheva:**_

 _Confession: We're actually in Hasetsu 'cause V is on a quest for a certain skater's heart. Current situation: The subject is flirting with the waiter._

 _#VictorNikiforov #VictorNikiforovProtectionSquad #Playboy #ButNotReally #CantEvenDoThatRight #VityaVityaVitya #MakkachinsProbsDissapointedToo #Hasetsu #CantBlameVboyThough #FingerLickinWaiter_

Hmmm… She had sent it, but should she add evidence? She snapped a picture for the good measure and tapped on the screen. She snorted. Victor was ridiculous and the wai- wait. Mila's eyes widened.

 _ **MilaBabicheva:**_

 _ **[ ]**_

 _Can someone please tell me my eyes are not playing tricks on me? Is that Yuuri Katsuki?!_

 _#FastReplyPlease #ImDyingOverHere #KatsukiYuuri_

She posted it and knocked on Sara's arm. ''It's Katsuki!''

''Huh? Where?!''

Mila's phone vibrated. ''The waiter, I think it's Katsu- Holy cow, I was right.''

She turned the screen to Sara.

 **Phichitchu:**

 _Katsuki confirmed! Mother is proud! \^W^/ MilaBabicheva_

 _#VictorNikiforov #KatsukiYuuri #ClarkKentReveal #VNikiCrushingOnBothIdentities? #MaSon #TheMostBeautifulWomanInTown #FightMe #TwueWuv #IsMakkachinThereToo? #Number1Fan #DontTellYuuri #HeThinksItsHim #SoPrecious #TheyGrowUpSoQuickly_

 _ **MilaBabicheva:**_

 _Oh my god! Phichitchu_

 _#ThePlayboyAndMostBeautifulWomanInTown #SamePerson #ClarkKent #HamsterChampionSavesTheDayAgain #YesIKnowAboutUrObsessionWHamstersChulanont #HardNotToKnow #Phichitchu #KatsukiYuuri #VictorNikiforov #Victuuri #Cackles_

''I'm going to tell him.''

Mila snagged Sara back to her side. ''Don't you dare! This is once in a lifetime entertainment!''

* * *

Victor had never seen something so lovely before. The hand swayed and swirled, oh, no sight was more pleasing to the eye than the waiter stirring his drink! (Victor… Might have some problems, mainly in the love department. But it was too late. He was not going back).

''I'm so glad you gave me your number!~''

The wrist stopped mid-stir. ''My number?''

''Yes! So sweet of your friend to play courier!''

A raging blush was creeping up the waiter's neck. ''I'm so sorry!''

Wait, what?

The waiter was biting his lip and Victor's stomach sank.

''…You didn't ask her to give me your number?''

''…No.''

Victor wanted to sink through the floor and stay there- preferably underground with a huge bed to throw himself on and cry dramatically while ensconcing himself under the blankets.

He buried his head in his hands. ''I was torn between you and Yuuri Katsuki! YUURI KATSUKI!''

A glass shattered and Victor's head shot up. The waiter stared at him, mouth wide open. ''Yuuri Katsuki?''

Victor whined. '' _Yuuri Katsuki!''_

''…But that's me.''

It was fortunate Victor was already halfway over the bar, because otherwise, he wouldn't have been able to catch the fainting waiter. The man was warm and, even when unconscious, adorable. His hair looked soft. Victor reached out.

Their conversation had been-

He stilled. ''Wait- _**YUURI KATSUKI?!**_ _''_

* * *

''Good morning, darling.''

Yuuri stretched and sat up, strangely awake after sleeping for so long.

''Kaa-san? What are you doing here? I had such a bizarre dream! Victor liked me. _Twice._ He had _**freak outs**_ about me! BOTH versions of me!'' He sighed. ''It was amazing.''

''I'm glad you thought so too.~''

Huh? That wasn't his mother's voice. The blood drained from Yuuri's face. Slowly, he turned his head.

Blink. Blink again. Grab glasses. Blink.

''Please tell me I'm not hallucinating.''

Victor Nikiforov in the flesh w _inked_ at Yuuri and came so close he could feel his breath on his face. ''I sure hope not, Yuuuuuuuuuri!~~''

Yuuri turned beet red, but deep inside his heart, he knew. Victor was not to be put on a pedestal. He was a Dork with capital D and… He _liked_ Yuuri.

A seed of determination bloomed and with his heart in his throat, he closed his eyes and leaned forward.

Victor was more than okay with that.

* * *

''YOU FILMED IT?!''

Axel, Lutz, and Loop grinned. ''Yup! And it went viral!''

Yuuri changed his mind. This was not okay at all.

* * *

 **Bonus scene:**

Yu-topia's door banged against the wall and a small, blonde menace stalked through.

Mila stood up and spread her arms. "Ah! Our mascot has arrived!"

Yuri scowled. "I AM NOT YOUR STUPID SQUAD'S MASCOT! Victor promised me a choreography! And who do you think you are, sneaking off to see Katsuki _without me_?!''

Mila snickered. ''Keep telling yourself that, Yurochka! And Vitya's not here- Anya dropped her drink on him, he's in the bathroom.''

Yuri wrinkled his nose and stomped towards the bar. He hated waiting.

''A cola, please.''

He ignored the waiter and began to mumble underneath his breath. ''Stupid Victor running off like that! _I want love~~, Yura!_ my ass. It's not like he's even good enough for Katsuki! What was he thinki-''

The waiter spluttered, cola bottle abandoned on the fridge. "Of course Victor is good enough!"

Yuri _looked_ at him. "Are you kidding me? We're talking about _Yuuri Katsuki_ here. Perfect step sequence, Japan's ace, drop dead gorgeous Yuuri Katsuki. Victor? Tall, wailing Russian, gayest guy you've ever seen? He's not fit to walk in the same _corridor_ as Katsuki."

The waiter took off his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose, inhaled and straightened his shoulders.

"I think I'm the only one allowed to judge that."

Yuri's eyes went wide. "Yuuri _Katsuki_?!"

The waiter- _Yuuri Katsuki -_ shifted, fidgeting with the edge of his apron. "…Yes."

They stared at each other.

…What had Yuri mumbled again? Perfect step sequence, drop-dead gorgeous Katsuki? Um. Excuse him- he needs to go dig his own grave because obviously, that was what he was doing _all along._

Yuuri gasped and bowed swiftly, arms pressed against his sides, hair flying with the movement. "Gomen! I didn't mean to be rude. I'm happy you have me in high esteem!"

Yuri jammed his hands in his pockets, cheeks bright red, hiding behind a curtain of blond hair. "That's because you're a Yuri! All Yuri's are awesome! …Don't look at me like that! It's a good reason!"

"Gomen!"

* * *

"And then, I kid you not, he continued to compliment Katsuki under the guise of listing the virtues of Yuri's.''

''Why does everything always happen when I'm not there?!''

''The vid's online, darling!''

* * *

 **Authors note**

Thanks a lot to I.W.P-chan for squealing with me about YOI (and making me YOI trash. Forever!), reading this fic and answering questions like: Wait, was lenses or contacts the common way of shortening contact lenses again? Also, the tag in Mila's tweet #ThePlayboyAndMostBeautifulWomanInTown was an Easter egg- it's I.W.P-chan's tag for Victuuri on her Tumblr ;P

I had a lot of fun writing this, even if I'm not completely certain everyone was in character.

I hope you liked it and constructive criticism is always welcome!


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